CI Activation, 3.5 months on by Eleanor

And breathe. Half-term at last, phew.

It has now been 3 and a half months since I was activated and I've found the more time that passes the less I have to say. Not in a bad way but just in a 'it's going alright' way. People still ask me now how I'm getting on, and honestly I often forget that I'm wearing a processor. My personal feeling is that this processor is better than when I had two hearing aids, even my Audiologist would agree with averages of 70-80% results on word lists without lipreading.

 Music: I actually enjoy a range of music now. Back when I had hearing aids I didn't really get it, I couldn't connect. The only songs I'd really like were sad songs or songs with heavy singing so I could sing along over the din of the background noise. Now, it excites me to pick out the different sounds, to hear the bass creeping up, the piano picking up tempo, the saxophone coming in or the electronic (and sometimes strange) modern sounds added in. I can't pretend I love all music just yet, I've only just started to scratch the surface, there is so much more to explore!

Events: Since being activated I've been to the cinema to see 'Beauty and the Beast'. It was amazing. I didn't know what to expect particularly with it being a musical and having not been activated for long, but I was impressed. I'm realizing now just how hard it is to describe sound, but that's not stopping me having a go! Belle's voice (Emma Watson) got right under my skin. I still hear it in my head sometimes. Now, I don't know if she had a good voice, I've never been the best judge of singers, but it felt so smooth, crystal clear and soothing alongside the instruments.

I went to see a Theatre production a few days ago, called Room, you may have seen it on film recently, a hard-hitting drama that has been inspired by cases of kidnapping (such as the Fritzl case) with 'Ma' who was kidnapped 7 years ago by 'old Nick', impregnated and now has a 5 year old son Jack. The Room is all that Jack has ever known, he thinks that TV is made up and doesn't understand there is a whole world outside. The play has been adapted a little, with some songs added in. Ma often sang, it was really heartfelt and emotional. Sometimes the older version of Jack would sing, an interesting contrast from the smooth, velvet woman's voice to the deeper, harsher tones of a man. I liked them both and when they both sang different words at the same time, well it just made something inside of me swell, like an invisible force of emotional strings twisting and pulling my stomach, my lungs and my heart. Music can be so powerful, so gut-wrenching, so defining that it actually hurts and when it does finish it's almost a relief not to have to feel such a force anymore. It's also stupidly addictive.

 Speech: I still lipread. A lot. But sometimes its more out of habit than necessity. Sometimes I've sat and just listened, seeing what words I can pick out without lipreading and I'm surprised by the results. I mean, I still need serious clues such as context but it's improving everyday. My hearing rehabilitionist talked about auditory memory, even hearing people don't actively listen all of the time, they remember routines, predictable phrases. For example, in a shop, you can guess that questions would be 'do you need a bag' 'do you have a loyalty card' etc. Hearing people don't always listen, they assume/predict and use a handful of prepared responses. When meeting with someone you've not seen for a while, you can guess the questions will be 'how are you' 'what have you been up to' 'we should meet up soon'.

 My understanding of speech is improving all the time and it's impressive how natural it is. The more I expose myself to speech, the more I seem to understand. However, there are situations where I've found not even lipreading can help. If I'm in a room with other people having a different conversation, it bothers me. It bothers me a lot. Even if they are speaking quietly, it's as if they're right next to me talking down my ear. It's distracting and I'm unable to differentiate between the persons voice that I'm trying to listen to from the other voices. I cannot pick out anything related to my conversation, I can't even focus on lipreading, I'm so distracted that I lose sense of the context and my annoyingly natural 'deaf nod' means the conversation carries on without me in it.
 Background noises such as crisp packets being opened and constantly rummaged through (or any kind of packet), keys jingling, printers printing, spoons being stirred feel so loud that my head wants to pop. It makes it so difficult to focus on speech and I'm so distracted.

 So please, if you do happen to see me, be considerate and don't eat, don't fiddle with anything, open doors, print anything or talk to anyone else. Just sit, actually, stand quietly and smile. Thank you.