I first want to apologise as I've neglected this blog for my own family one Little and Big and this one has been on the back burner of many ovens I have to juggle.
Life is very much like that busy time when you're cooking tea and there's so much to be done, yet everything happens at once! But I'm making a mid year promise to you readers that I'm going to make more of an effort with this blog. I love this blog and I love what it stands for. I love that I can share things that I maybe wouldn't on my other blog.
I know that may seem like an odd thing to write but I'm not one to feel like I need to broadcast my Deafness and it does pop up over there occasionally but I mostly write about my every day life and the things that are important to me in that time. I write passionately about my little family and to be honest, I don't like to feel that my Deafness holds me back in any regards. (clearly does - hearing aids, hello!)
Eleanor (or El as I know her as - feels odd to call her by her proper name!) asked me the other day if I was ashamed of wearing hearing aids. I replied, ' I don't like them no' and she asked 'why not? Without them you wouldn't be able to hear.' She had a point.
But I honestly don't like wearing them. I don't like how they affect my hairstyle choice. I know it seems such a trivial matter in life but I don't like them on show and I always feel like they are. I feel I want to do plaits and them scruffy top buns - obviously I can, and I do around the house but in public I don't have the confidence to do so.
I don't like meeting new people and them finding out as it changes things so quickly. They look at your face more and over pronounce the words - they treat you like you're deaf. I hate that so much, I don't want to be treated like that, I want them to talk to me like they do other people because I usually am fine and pick it up, there's only odd parts I may miss. I'd rather play dumb and be like 'oh pardon?'.
Honestly, I'd love it if any of you feel this way, mention it in the comments :)
I'm aware that most of this is probably my own insecurities and awkwardness to the whole Deaf persona. I guess I don't like that I depend on my hearing aids, and I don't like glorifying my Deafness. I've never used it to my advantage and I've never been one to show it off. I'm a Deaf person, living in a hearing world. I'm just not.. proud to be Deaf I suppose. There's many downsides to being Deaf that I can't really see why people would be 'Deaf and Proud' and sometimes I have to be brutally honest that the Deaf community can make me feel so awkward and cringy at times. I find at times that I can't see why it's different to any other disability. People live with all types of disabilities, so I don't see why mine's an issue. God, I've probably offended you all, but hear me out. I think it's honestly amazing that people can be so positive about Deafness and are really open, share tips and attend Deaf events. It's fabulous that people can genuinely embrace it. (like El, building a signing choir! It's going places - it's amazing! I probably should give it a go at some point.) The support is amazing in the Deaf community and I find it really lovely.
But somehow, I think I find myself feeling selfish if I think on it too much, especially with a young family. I have to work through being Deaf to make me the best possible Mum and Wife I can be. I guess I ijhjust feel stupid if I mishear things, so I feel I need to keep on top. I don't feel I have time to bother. But, I know without my hearing aids, I'd be useless. Completely crap at everything but I'm glad I'm not. I do depend on my hearing aids whether I like it or not. I will always be Deaf whether I like it or not and I'll live with it as well as I have done up to now. I'm incredibly grateful that hearing aids have been made and brought out.
I'm also pretty damn lucky to have met my best friend through being Deaf as well. There's many plus's to being Deaf as I can take my hearing aids out and sleep in silence (that has got to be the best thing right?!) and I've made some of my best friendships through it.
I guess I've probably just got to get over it and why should I hide it? There's nothing wrong with it. It's all me isn't it? This post probably doesn't make that much sense as I totally contradicted myself in most ways - but I'm sure we've been on that route to self acceptance.
Maybe I have, maybe I haven't.
I'd love you to share your thoughts with me x
