Continuing the dream.. by Eleanor

So I'm around 2 months into my PGCE training course. And what a 2 months its been.

The first three weeks were spent at UEA Monday-Friday 9-5 with 3 hour seminars, 2 hour lectures and only 1 hour lunches. It was exhausting. The support I have at the university is my note-taker and the use of my radio aid.
 I've learnt to love my radio aid - it really does help make the lecturer loud and clear and for the first time ever in my life there has been times when I can actually break eye contact with someone and still hear what they're saying even though they are miles away in the front of the lecture theatre. I don't do it too often though - it doesn't take too long before I've lost track of the context and start drifting into a fantasy land with rainbows and bubbles and pretty pink ribbons. Not because you're bored of course, but the learning environment is tough with bouts of 3 hour seminars to try and absorb info... It tends to make you sleepy...

 I do still struggle, some seminars are more about group conversations and I gave up with those a long time ago. You're put in 'small' groups around 25-30 people (somedays you're mixed up so its more like 55-60) and questions are opened to the class. Yeah, because thats exactly what deaf people like to do, constantly straining their neck round to possibly catch a glimpse of whoever it is thats talking and try to lip-read them. Thats if, of course, you can work out who is talking, and theres no awkwardly positioned head right in your way. I especially love it when everyone starts laughing and you're just sat there thinking of the multiple things you could be doing instead of this, compiling mental lists in your head of things to do when you get home and getting increasingly frustrated and stressed that you're still missing out. And you most definitely do not want to be that 'deaf girl' who needs everything repeating.
 The first time I had a science lesson it was brilliant. People stood up and faced me when they had something to say. I caught every word and yeah it was embarrassing for a while but I felt included. It didn't take long for that to stop, people forgot and carry on with their lives as hearing people. I get it, its not like I walk around with a big advertising board saying 'deaf person walking here', and people start to think 'oh she looked at me then so she must have heard me' - most the time I'm just looking because I'm thinking 'shes got a nice top on today' or some other random thought that goes through my head because I've completely lost track of whats going on.

 P.S. I love it when people say 'I just forget you're deaf' and I've mastered my response - 'Yeah, me too, I'm always forgetting that..' - its totally a joke people, don't be offended. People say they can't laugh at things like that.. I made a joke about not being able to sing because I'm literally tone deaf.. one of my friends made a complete pained-face, unsure whether he was allowed to laugh.. please, laugh! One of lifes pleasures, being able to make jokes out of a bad situation (in good taste of course!!) - watch 'See no evil, hear no evil' and roll about with laughter like I did :)

 I started school placements a few weeks ago and the school is absolutely brilliant, lovely school - I really enjoy being there. The problem lies with me. I can't always hear the children and they're the ones I really want to hear. I get so wrapped up in my own little world of 'must be able to hear everything - its all important' and when I can't do that and I especially see hearing people taking it for granted it burns up rage in my chest.
I love teaching and I love being in front of the class but I feel inadequate at the moment because I can't hear their responses back. My teaching partner sometimes translates for me by wearing the radio aid and repeating back what they've said which is brilliant but its not her job to do that - she should never feel responsible for my hearing - she is a student aswell and deserves to be able to clock off and observe someone else working rather than having to support.

 The solution is to have a communicator, someone to be my ears for me. If I had that missing piece I would be much more confident in the classroom. The children themselves in the classroom are starting to get used to me and my needs and because I'm getting used to their voices I can sometimes pick up what they're saying without support. This is a skill I'm hoping will develop over the next few months.

I know I want to be a teacher of the deaf in the future and this is the start of the road. This year is my training year and this is the time to find out what I need in the classroom to be the best I can be. My real problem is that I'm so impatient and want everything now.
I want to be the best I can be right now.

To all readers.. this blog-post is a reflection of my feelings and my opinions at this time. In no way is it a reflection on other people. I do not expect complete deaf awareness and equal access on a plate because it is a hidden disability, and I do often wear my hair down for that very reason. The words I write come from my heart in an attempt to help both deaf and hearing people exactly what it is like in my little world (a very, very, very, very tiny part of the world as we know it). Things can be exaggerated in my world because it is mine, and it is what I live in daily, and it can be hard to find the words to fit exactly into my feelings.. I will always try to be honest and that may become misinterpreted along the way.. this is never intentional, I have nothing but respect for the people I am surrounded by and I hope that our learning journey about each other continues.

P.S. I miss you dad x