Bedtime Fears as a Deaf Mother by Imogene

Hello everyone,
Once again I'll apologise for the lack of posting, been awfully busy with my little family that I haven't managed to get round to sharing a couple of stories that I have been wanting to!

My husband is a Chef at a local hotel and he very often works the worst hours for a family, and whilst it's like that we're lucky he gets 2 days off a week (sometimes only 1 during busy weeks) but,  he actually has a job! 
One day he comes home and announces he's going to have to stay at work the following night as he can't get into work as it's an early start, so he's going to have to stay in one of the hotel rooms. As he's unable to get a lift in as he's covering for someone who's on holiday, and we have no transport (something we're working on) there was little choice in anything else. When he mentioned it I was fine with the idea, I mean he's had nights alone with our son whilst I've been away with the girls, so really it probably was about time I had a night alone in the bed (plus I could spread out, what more could I really ask for?). I did what I do every night of the week, put my son to bed, do the last few house chores and then relax in front of the soaps for the evening. 
It was only when it reached 11pm that I started feeling sad, because I always know he'll be home about now, no matter how many hours he's done in the day. I wanted him to come in the house, talk too loud, (as they have to talk loud in the kitchen over the fans - so he says!) get a drink and then moan about what time he's starting the next day and then we'd go upstairs, check on Freddie and then go to bed, turning the lights off as we go through. But that night, I was alone, going through the routine. The bed was cold (Men have a way of warming the bed for you even if they're in their half and only in the bed 30 seconds before you climb in) and the bedroom seemed too dark. I moved our son's baby monitor to my bedside, in case he woke up it'll wake me more than the usual place of across the room - I never have a problem with the night calls as Freddie rarely wakes and as Chris is such a light sleeper he normally gets up. But tonight it was all me, I take my hearing aids out and it feels weird being in the bed, because everything was odd. Nothing felt right. I felt really nervous to be left in the house on my own overnight.
It seems silly really because we come from a good area and we know one of the neighbours really well, but I felt so unsettled. I know part of it was because Chris wasn't there, but also because I was in complete silence. I was alone, I felt alone in the house, even though Freddie was next door, I was worried and my fears began to ran through my mind. I worried that Freddie would wake up, cry and cry, but I didn't wake up. I worried that if there happens to be a burglar, I would be completely useless as I wouldn't hear them break in. What if they were kidnappers and took Freddie when he was asleep and I never heard them get in the house, nor past our room into ours? What if. That's what kept me up thinking of all the things, that I couldn't hear or do if anything was to happen. I've never realised how vulnerable I am when I have no hearing aids in - anything could literally happen, if I didn't see, feel or hear it, I'm actually no good. I wouldn't be able to be the mother that my son needed in them few minutes, because I couldn't hear him..
So I ended up putting my hearing aids in and laying there all night awake, twitching at every noise. (As weird as it is to have them out, I do enjoy the silence during the night, but having the hearing aids in was strange as I could hear the boiler, the dog bark outside, the few cars that actually go past at 3am, everything.) I actually couldn't sleep - I'm sure I fell asleep eventually but it didn't feel like it. The night seemed to go on forever, I kept looking at the clock. I felt exhausted, but I just couldn't relax. What if. 

My son never woke up at all, and we never got burgled, nor had any kidnappers in the house. Everything was a perfectly normal night apart from the lack of my Zzz's and Husband in the house.
One thing that did make me smile was that Chris text me the next morning saying 'Crap nights sleep :( It's not the same without you. X' Seems we both had a rubbish night, so I've told him he's not allowed to work that shift unless he can get a lift in! I guess we get used to the way in which we live!

LoveFilm vs Netflix (the subtitled problem)

 So, I joined Lovefilm around 2 years ago when I won a McDonalds Monopoly sticker 'one month's free trial and two free cinema tickets when you sign up with lovefilm'. Who am I to say no to that?

 For the last two years I've paid £4.89 a month for two discs (one at a time). It has no roll-over so if you're late sending one back thats it, next month starts. For £5.99 you can have unlimited access to Lovefilm streaming and for at least £7.99 you can have both unlimited access and a disc.
 Not all of lovefilm films are available on streaming, and more importantly THERE ARE NO SUBTITLES WHATSOEVER available on streaming. I have flagged this up and there are NO FUTURE PLANS for subtitles either!

 I started looking into Netflix a few months ago when I've had so many people commenting on how good it is. It's amazing. There is so much choice available, you can watch it right there and then for a flat-price of £5.99 - how awesome is that?! The best bit is that all the films I've tried to watch so far HAVE SUBTITLES!

 Ok, so it sounds like I've already made my mind up about the best of the bunch. But, its not that simple. Ok, so netflix is all amazing, so much choice, so much SUBTITLED choice... but its not so updated as lovefilm. Put it this way, Hunger Games only started appearing on netflix a week or so ago when its been out since 3rd September 2012 - I should know as I was lucky enough to get it from lovefilm a few weeks after release (I'd waited and waited to see it subtitled at a cinema but sadly couldn't work the times around work and travel) which was completely and utterly amazeballs.

 So, the choice is, to have unlimited choice that won't be quite so recent at a really good price (netflix), or, pay the same to have just 3 discs a month from lovefilm but with more chance of them being more recent releases.

 I have decided to go with netflix for now and hope that subtitled screenings at cinemas will become more accessible (this is yet another story, we are STILL waiting on Majestic Cinema in Kings Lynn to open their doors for the deaf) to fufill my needs and I can be the first of my friends to talk about that awesome new release (looking forward to the next Hobbit film and Hunger Games people!!) whilst enjoying some of the older and vast collection of films that netflix has to offer. :)

Being a Volunteer for the NDCS: Eleanor

I’ve been a volunteer at the NDCS for a while now. Many people ask me, ‘how long have you been a volunteer for now?’ and I honestly couldn’t tell you – time just seems to slip away from me these days. Sometimes when I’m asked how old I am I find myself surprised and confused to hear myself say 23 years old. Yes I know, I’m still young but I’m not naïve, I know I won’t be young forever!

Every summer for the past 3-5 years (I’m just guessing here) I’ve signed up for a residential week with the NDCS. I’ve had some amazing times. My first ever residential I did was in Buxton and it literally changed my life. I got to try the scariest things, I got to work with the nicest people and honestly the most amazing team leader (Tracey – if you’re reading this, come back soon!).

 Best of all, I met and supported the most awe-inspiring young children. I am always taken aback by the younger generation, their determination and strength to do anything. Some of them were able to abseil off this pretty scary looking, at least 100000 metres high arched bridge, without even batting an eyelash. Me, on the other hand, being terrified of heights wanted to do more than just bat an eyelash.. I wanted to run!
You learn that even though these are the children that you’re here for, to look after, that in times of dire and near death experiences, they’re the ones that support (although sometimes it feels like ambushing) you. Of course they would expect me to go down the bridge, of course I’d get asked to go with the one girl who was probably equally as terrified as me, of course it would be the one girl that screamed in my ear the whole way down (and yes I am deaf but I could hear that!!).

I’ll admit when I first became a volunteer I had very limited knowledge of BSL and I often felt like I was missing out. It was somehow ironic to me, that having felt like I’ve been missing out constantly in life, searching for some kind of meaning to fill the void and jumping on the NDCS bandwagon – a charity designed for deaf children to promote equal access, communication and generally making you feel like somebody – that I still couldn’t find that missing jigsaw piece.
I was lucky the first year because I had such a supportive residential group, we had communicators here there and everywhere and luckily most of the group I supported were oral, children that had grown up just like me, not taught BSL but encouraged to talk, to attend mainstream school and take any support available. Often, the children would talk to me about their life experiences and I could completely relate. I hope they took that on board - that they’re not alone and they can, one day, switch roles and become the adult volunteer on the event saying the exact same words I did.

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This year I went to Litchfield for another jam-packed adventure week. Armed with more BSL knowledge than I’ve ever had before (just completed Level 3 part 1 with a view to achieve NVQ Level 3 by next July), more confidence and assurance having worked with children for the past two years.
 I absolutely loved it.

The first part is always the hardest, but this year it was harder for me. Just a few weeks prior to attending Lichfield my dad had passed away. Although I had already done most my grieving it was the first time I’d been away from home, from my family since his death and it was a shock.
 I still remember when he drove me to Peterborough train station before my very first NDCS residential, he could see I was nervous and put ‘Nothing in the Whole Wide World’ by Jakob Dylan on in the car. It fixed everything bubbling away inside of me, all the nerves and anticipation, all of it instantly. However during this particular train journey I’d forgotten my headphones and I still regret that now. I played the tune over and over in my head (but you know it’s not the same).

Meeting new volunteers soon perked me up and made me feel welcome. There were so many lovely volunteers that I hadn’t met before at Lichfield and I soon felt at home. When the children arrived it was manic, 36 children to supervise! We all settled into the week routine rather quickly. I had 12 children in my particular group and we also had the lovely Wish who was a communicator. Together we made THE best group.

During the week I was ambushed (sorry, should that be supported..) into doing the high zipwire after promising a young boy who was terrified that I’d do it if he did. Of course he would do it (and loved it!). There’s nothing like being between a rock and a hard place and I was well and truly.
Imagine being connected up to a harness, less than 50 centimetres from the edge overlooking the ground from the great height, volunteers on the ground waving and putting their thumb up in the air as if to say ‘you can do it!’. If you’re thinking I could have still backed out you’d be wrong. Behind me, was THE best group chanting ‘L, L, L, L, L, L’ which after a while changed into ‘upside down, upside down’ – they were now not just wanting me to push myself off this dangerously terrifying height which I still believe I was at potential risk of dying from, but they were expecting me to do it upside down!
 At least 5-10 minutes must have passed by and I still hadn’t moved. I even asked the instructor if she could push me off, but she said she wasn’t allowed too, health and safety. She could however pull the rope so I felt it tightening and feel more inclined to jump off. I agreed, it was the only way I was going anywhere. And yeah, it was nice. But I wouldn’t do it again – at least not until another NDCS residential.

Residentials are hard work. They are long days, as you’re expected to wake the children up (and be ready yourself before then), support them throughout the day, even when their energy continues at 100% right the way till bedtime. Then, at bedtime, they need to be going to sleep. The amount of silly little things that crop up at 10.30pm, from nightlights to noise – the child that seems to get out of bed to complain countless times. All before you can have the team meeting to discuss your day and then at last you can crawl into bed. And I love every minute.

One thing I really, really liked about this NDCS event was that wherever you were, if you were talking to someone and you didn’t quite hear them there would always be a communicator conveniently nearby who would randomly start interpreting them for you. I didn’t realise how much I appreciated that until I got home, sat down with my family and remembered how much concentration it takes to listen, to block out the loud TV blaring away and piece together the conversation topic first before anything else.

At the end of the residential, my team leader asked to chat with me. Initially I didn’t want to; usually chatting with me indicates I’m in trouble, that I’ve done something wrong somewhere down the line. But I bit the bullet and went for it. He had nothing but positive words for me, how I’d matured as a volunteer etc. Honestly, I felt like crying because I’d worked so hard, that I’d still had thoughts every morning when I woke up that I wanted to go home, that my family needed me, that I wanted to sit in a quiet room and listen to Jakob Dylan on loop.
I stayed because that’s what I do, I love NDCS residentials, I love getting to know the children, we had such shy withdrawn children who by the time they’d left had grown into chatty, confident young people. And in a weird kind of way (but don’t ever tell the children this…) I kind of like being forced into doing new scary things – it makes me feel alive. :)