A Deaf Identity - by Eleanor

Being deaf irritates, frustrates, annoys and even pleases me. There are many advantages to being deaf, getting a quiet night sleep, not bothered by irritating noises or even loud noises that would make most people jump out of their skin. It even makes awkward situations easier because you can play the 'deaf card' when all else fails. Take for example, drawing some money out at a cash machine but the well positioned homeless person sitting next to it calls out 'got any change please?'. Potentially awkward.. if you heard them.

 As a deaf child growing up, I never had a deaf role model. I remember being amazed when I saw people with hearing aids. I must have felt alone because my parents always made a point of pointing them out to me, making me feel like they were out there, somewhere in the universe, people just like me. ME. The only child at school with hearing aids and constant 'my granddad wears them' jibes from misunderstood and curious peers.

Now as I continue to grow, I see deaf people more and more because I've chosen to immerse myself in their community, I've set up a signing choir, I volunteer for the NDCS and stay in touch with other volunteers.

The deaf community is small because people take on their deaf identity in different ways. This is often influenced by their parents and how they are brought up. However, this isn't always set in stone. As children grow up, like me, they begin to find their own identity and how they want to be defined.

 For some people, hearing aids are just an aid, they feel they can keep up enough in the hearing world by lipreading and therefore having them, doesn't make them any different to a hearing person. This is probably a good example of how I used to feel, growing up. Even though I knew I missed things, I simply didn't know enough of any other options (British Sign Language for example) to consider otherwise. I'm not saying I wasn't happy, quite the opposite, I was extremely happy and blessed with such a supportive family.
 This identity can also be influenced by rejection from the deaf community or a negative experience which can be as simple as trying to communicate with a fluent BSL user and not being able to understand any of the signs. This almost creates a confirmation in their mind that there are no other options and they can continue to survive (or perhaps thrive depending on their situation) in the hearing world.

For other people, deafness is their identity. They may have a strong deaf family or have been involved with the deaf community from a young age. BSL is their primary language. Some may have tried to interact with the hearing world but had negative experiences or perhaps feel that not many make enough effort to learn their language. They feel at home with other deaf people because they don't have to concentrate 10 times harder and they most definitely don't have to justify themselves to anyone.

 Sometimes, an identity is based on one experience. It can be so difficult to change your thought process when you have a negative experience because your head tells you that's it. A bit like being rejected from someone you love, or for a job. That heart wrenching feeling that someone didn't want you, that you're not good enough and no one could possibly want you again. That human need to be loved, to be appreciated. You could go through life having tens of thousands of positive experiences but its always the one negative that you'll remember in the dead of the night.

 For me, I am proud to be deaf. It is a part of my identity. Admittedly I can't stand it when people know me as 'that deaf one' because that's not all there is to me. Equally I get frustrated when people aren't naturally deaf aware. Why don't people speak clearly naturally? Why don't people move their mouths properly? Why would people want mustaches that cover their lips? Why do people talk across a room? Why do they even need to? Is it meaningful? Why do people have to have group conversations? What's wrong with a 1:1 intimate conversation?

 I think I will always have an inner battle with myself, the girl who doesn't like to step up and tell people to be 'deaf aware' and the girl who embraces being deaf, who enjoys turning her voice off and her hands on.