At the weekend I went to a talk about 'd/deaf writes back' featuring the inspirational Joyce, a deaf children's author and Raymond, a deaf poet. I was also lucky enough to chat with them afterwards in the delightful beer garden set up in Chapelfield Gardens as part of the Norfolk and Norwich Festival.
Joyce admitted herself that she did not know many deaf people and was inspired by the day. We all sat together in the tranquility of the beer garden, sharing stories and difficulties of being deaf. After a while Joyce said 'its just so nice to feel normal, I don't feel that very often'.
But what is normal? A while ago I was teaching deaf studies to a group of year 3-6s, we were gathered in our usual set up, the children in a horseshoe format with my interpreter behind them ready to plug in the gaps so I could then rephrase or repeat anything that needed it. The topic had gotten onto what does 'deaf' mean and one of the girls pointed at all of us and said 'we are deaf' and pointed to the interpreter behind her 'she is normal'. This made me sad. I instantly responded with "Normal? What's that? Nobody is normal. She is hearing yes, she can hear, her ears work which makes her different but we are all different. None of us are normal, that doesn't exist." I'd hoped by saying this she would start to break the barriers already taking place in her mind 'us' and 'them'.
Many deaf people refer to the world as a hearing world and a deaf world and many of them tell me they don't fit in either. As someone who has grown up in a hearing family, I too have gone through the motions. 'It's not fair, we are dominated by hearing' (but what do you expect when we are such a small minority) 'why do deaf people have to work twice as hard to learn speech just to fit in?' 'the deaf community rejected me because I can't sign very well'. Believe me, I have felt angry at the world, angry at the situations I find myself in everyday. But then, something happened, I'm not quite sure when or how, I don't think I even realised until I listened to Raymond speak, but I let go. I let go of the idea of a deaf world, a hearing world. I said goodbye to the anger, the resentment, the injustice inside me and I opened my eyes.
I took a look at the world around me. I looked at the hearing world that deaf people are so desperate to fit into. I saw the groups of people, the ones with accents, the ones that speak slang, the ones that reject others if they don't fit in, if they don't talk the same way or look a certain way. I saw the groups of people that I had absolutely nothing in common with and I saw my frustration seep out of me, the pent up anger at not knowing what they're talking about, not being able to hear them and realising that I wouldn't be interested anyway. The years of straining to hear conversations and realising I'm not interested but not being able to leave because so much time and energy has already gone on. Desperate to feel wanted and being accepted was usually enough to keep me hanging. I'm not saying the deaf world is any better. There are groups of people in the deaf world who do the same, if you don't sign a certain way or be a certain person you can feel yourself on the outside looking in.
That's when I saw it. The barriers disappeared, faded into the distance and I saw MY world. The world that I created. The friends that I have selected, some deaf, some hearing. The places I go when I feel alone. The happiness I feel when I'm with them. Some sign, some speak. I make the effort for those I'm interested in, and they do for me. My world isn't very big and it's probably very selective but it's mine. When I heard Raymond read his poem, I sensed so much turmoil, so much anger inside him that I used to feel also. Anger at feeling different, not feeling accepted in either worlds. It gives him fuel for his writing, his raw, painful writing that gave me goosebumps when I heard him speak. His fantastic writing that I hope people can read and learn from. Towards the end of the talk I felt myself taking a step back from the situation and feeling a sense of sadness. It has taken me 28 years to get to this place where worlds no longer exist for me, but for many of the children and adults I see they still exist in their minds. I believe there is a strong correlation between deafness and poor mental health. I never ever used to consider my deafness as a disability until my work as a teacher of the deaf but legally it is because it potentially hinders our ability to communicate. I say potentially because it is very much dependent on other people's perspectives. If others don't believe in us of course we won't do well but isn't that typical of anyone? Hearing or deaf, blind or learning difficulties? For any type of disability? I'm not just talking about verbal communication but any type of communication, whether it's through sign language, body language, gestures or even the powerful medium of writing.
It's time to let go and make your own world. Be who you are, find the people that won't settle for anything less than you. Be inspirational, don't be angry, it's just wasted energy that only hurts you in the long run. You are amazing.
Thank you world.
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