This week has been particularly tough. Not in the usual format of being on placement, assignment work etc. (its half-term whoo) but in the fact that one of my ear moulds has been causing me a lot of pain recently, constantly rubbing to make sores in my left ear.
It has got to the point where I am coming home and taking it straight off. As a person that has grown up dependant on these machines to communicate it has been strange.
Today I had to go to the UEA to do a 'viva voce' to pass the remaining assignment. I worried about attending with just the use of one hearing aid, knowing that it is really quite disorientating and that I can only realistically listen to one person at a time who is facing me. I considered wearing my hearing aid just to avoid any issues. But then I started to wonder, how would they cope if I did lose my hearing further, if I couldn't rely on my hearing aids any longer, and more to the point, how would I cope?... so I went without.
But actually, I didn't need to worry. I explained to my tutor and she actually made a point of swapping positions to be sat on my 'better side'. She spoke clearly, not treating me like an idiot (you know the 'caaaan yoooooou heeeeaaaarrrr meeeeee?' version). She said if the other person in the room would ask me anything then she would indicate this was so, knowing that they were sat on my 'deaf side'. It really made me feel more secure and safer, not just in those 30 minutes but for the rest of my day. I spend the day with Imz (one of my best friends) and although we were in the busy city centre, I wasn't distracted by anything (mostly because I couldn't hear much of anything) but I could focus, I could listen, I could lip-read, I could speak, I could communicate. I'm not saying that if were was more than one friend, that I would have been able to cope but I really surprised myself.
The ones that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter.
On my way home Imz had left one of my old favourites in the CD player, with just one hearing aid in, I cranked up the sound to the max and belted out the lyrics, feeling the vibrations through the floor and reciting those lyrics from those thousands of times we practised when we were young. It made me smile, so much. Thank you (Imz, I love you :) ).
In some ways it has made me so appreciative of the life that my mum and dad brought me up in, they encouraged me to speak rather than sign. This has made me really good at adapting to situations, by lip-reading and fitting in the missing bits (it often still goes wrong when I don't know the context!), and quite probably TOO good because some assume that I can talk so I can hear leading to another world of pain and communication breakdowns.
Sometimes I wish my signing was as fluent as my speaking, however it has enabled a bigger, accessible world, ensuring that I can associate with hearing people. This world is predominately a hearing world, and always will be.
It is estimated that 1 in 1000 people are deaf. This means that there are ALOT more hearing people, speaking, talking, chatting with their backs turned, talking from another room, mumbling down the phones, whispering secrets, singing along to lyrics, sharing stories, every minute of every day of every week of every year. A life with working ears, taken for granted, hearing and absorbing. Of course I can understand not knowing, not seeing and not understanding a world with broken ears.
Sure, I still get frustrated at the lack of deaf awareness but quite often it is fixable with knowledge and communication. I want to fight for equal access, be it in the form of subtitles in cinemas, on TV, on the train, for any and all announcements. I want to fight for sign language to be a GCSE option, I want to fight for all companies to have and to use access to emails and live online chats rather than phone calls. I want to fight to enable that no deaf child feels they don't know which world they belong in. But I (and probably many other deaf people) have heard the same things, reached the same brick walls, same boundaries time and time again.
My energy falls, my enthusiasm and motivation to continue the fight often waivers. I celebrate at LoveFilm finally agreeing to subtitle more contents, but the fight goes on, directed for Sky next. I celebrate at getting my local cinema to show subtitled screenings once a month, but I despair at no-one using them.
One day it will all be gone, and people will moan, but they didn't use it when it was there. These changes will be those failed movements of time that no-one opened their eyes or closed their ears to see.
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